And They Say Smoking Is Bad For You Read online

  Am I anti hunting of course not, it is is our God given right to kill things, why not, if it moves kill the damned thing, there's plenty more where that came from aren't there, no is the answer, but it doesn't matter because when that species is extinct we can move on to other things. The fact that the whole blasted ecological (ECO) system will eventually go to pot, and when it does it will be too late is incidental. Too late means too late, not oh we better change one day..........Unfortunately this is not Jurassic Park and we can reconstruct extinct species from a DNA sample, not yet at least. I'm sure it will happen though-We can replace creatures with more interesting ones, get rid of the boring old Elephant and replace it with Woolly Mammoths, Sabre Tooth Tigers would look good on the trophy wall and maybe even a Dinosaur or two.

  Some members of the UK Royal family God bless them are bastions of the WWF (World Wildlife Fund). They are also avid hunters? Personally I would have thought this represents a slight conflict of interest....Obviously they are not hunting lions and elephants mainly because their estate in Scotland doesn't have any........ otherwise who knows?

  I am going to end my story on hunting or shoot it before I exasperate myself...

  Dating Websites.....(Couch potatoes need not reply)

  This is written from a man's perspective and any woman reading this who feels insulted sorry, in fact to anybody reading this, sorry.......... so sorry all round . That's the disclaimer over with now to the story.

  Being currently single I thought I'd join a Dating Website which shall be nameless, this website seems to be very well run, and does have a lot of people using it. Now to the point of the story. Being of sound mind but not body, by that I mean the only thing holding me together are the cigarettes and booze, well not the only thing, the will to live is a factor, but slowly fading fast, I am looking for a more sedentary attractive person to live out my twilight years with.

  Now as the huge list of people viewing my profile drift past on occasions I have spotted a suitable candidate- Um, right age- looks OK, not too far away, similar background, all very promising. Now I am thinking I will look a bit more at their interests, well it might help in the long term when the chemistry fades a bit, well a lot normally...so here we go. ' Sports'... Trekking, Snow Boarding, Skiing, Pilates, Working out in the gym, Horse Riding? Yoga/Meditation.

  I should add here that Trekking in the Himalayas seems to be very popular, as is Trekking in South America in fact frigging Trekking generally. What is Trekking I am asking myself? and with a bit of research found out it's is a new word for Hiking. I'm sorry but my idea of a courtship does not involve trekking up and down some mountain trying to whisper a few sweet nothings in their ear whilst fighting to get my breath back, or looking for the missing finger that has just fallen off from frostbite! As for skiing and snow boarding another favourite, after a days skiing snow boarding and burning up endless amounts of adrenaline trying to avoid falling into a ravine or similar would I have the energy for any kind of passion, in fact would I have any kind of energy left period.

  OK maybe they could do their thing and I'll do mine as can happen in some good relationships so I might as well look at the other things they like to do.“Eating out, Theatre, Holidays in Egypt, the USA, Australia....? “ So that's me finished, unless I win the lottery or sell my house to date them. Surprise, surprise most of these women are divorced or single. The men divorced them under advisement from their accountants no doubt, and the single ones must all be company CEO'S to fund this exotic lifestyle.

  So for me its 'Date A Poor Sedentary Person.Com' from now on, or the single life, which does have it plus points after all. It's certainly a lot safer that's for sure.

  The Ageing Process.....

  'IT SAYS THE AGEING PROCESS' CAN YOU SEE THIS NOW.....I SAID CAN YOU SEE THIS...............”

  I can't do the whole article this big, so please put on your reading glasses, you don't need the hearing aid... this isn't a talking book. I SAID........

  It's a terrifying thought isn't it? Your once young and virile body degenerating into a broken down wreck. Can anything be done to stop this hideous process. In the past the answer was no, but now thanks to ground breaking research ageing may be a thing of the past. In fact with this new wonder drug virtually eternal life may be possible.

  The human ageing process is a result of our DNA not replacing cells with exact copies of the original, so after each regeneration you change....for the worse unfortunately.

 

  Lobsters: This humble but remarkable creature may hold the key to extending our lifespan illness free for hundred's of years. A lobster's DNA replaces cells with almost exact copies of the original and potentially they can live for centuries. Wouldn't it be wonderful to tap into this amazing regenerative process.... ? Here at Regen we have done just that, our amazing new product is now approved and ready for you to try!

  REGEN....

  The Ageing Process can now be stopped even reversed!

  It's innovative, amazingly simple and it works. As mentioned a lobster regenerates perfectly for decades, so our researchers thought in a Eureka moment why not extract Lobster DNA and make it palatable for humans. It took a long time to filter out the really Lobstery bits, and a few test volunteers did have a few unfortunate side effects, which we will not need to go into in detail. Needless to say they have become amazing swimmers- in fact they are hardly ever out of the water now...oh and they do seem to have a bit of a crab like walk... hardly noticeable to the untrained eye....Now fully licensed and on sale please look at the photographic evidence below... and judge for yourself.............

  Slow Down- Stop- Or Reverse The Ageing Process with Regen TM

  FAQ

  Question: 'When I reach two hundred years old and really have nothing more I want to do. How will I cope with this?

  Answer: 'Just stop taking Regen and your body will return immediately to its normal ageing process.... WARNING In the natural scheme of things you would have already been dead for decades, so be prepared for a rapid decline.

  Question: Is it expensive?

  Answer: Considering the amazing benefits of this product No. You need to talk to one of the team to work out your dosage and costs... If you are going for the full regeneration package with age reversal then it will be costly.. a maintenance dose can be very cheap.

  Question: What if I take too much?

  Answer: If you overdose consult one of our team ASAP............In rare cases the overdose can reduce your cognitive functions to those of a two year old, so you must tell someone you are taking Regen so they can speak for you if necessary.

  On Reflection I know this is a spoof story but how many times how have you seen similar products advertised. 'Eighty year old woman now only looks forty' and other similar ads. The fact that she only looks forty but now feels a hundred due to the side effects of this wonder drug, or the fact that her internal organs have now returned to those of an infant, and can only digest milk as a consequence, well you tell me. Also as you age some things do get worse obviously, but consider, with age comes wisdom, yes it does...so little ones save yourself some grief in life and try and listen to your elders. In a lot of societies this wisdom is highly respected and used to great benefit. Not so much in our society perhaps. I have said my serious piece on the subject. Hope you like the silly bit above.

  Note: The facts about Lobster DNA are true and they are actually researching how to use this in medicine........No eating Lobster Thermidor every night will not have the same effect- sorry.

  Nuclear Warfare....For Beginners 'RIP Humanity'

  A great idea? Not content with knives, clubs, spears, and other pointy weapons, in our wisdom we inverted guns, bombs & chemical weapons and finally our ultimate achievement Nuclear Weapons. To save us messing around with all this amateur stuff that was taking ages to kill enough people, we went for the big one ' Lets go Nuclear man'

  The Bomb

  Lets face it only Mankind could be so
self destructive as to invent a weapon so powerful that its use would not only destroy a nations enemies (in theory) but also destroy the entire planet they were living on. Creatures like insects seemed to have some strange inbuilt prophetic evolutionary thing and can withstand huge amounts of radiation, so forget 'Planet of the Apes because it will be Planet of the Ants or Scorpions, marvellous. Arnold Schwazenegger has already been trying on an Ant prosthesis with the hope of getting the role. Of course the ants would have had to evolve to human size and be able to speak or the film would be silly (not that isn't now) plus the surviving humans would look stupid if they were much bigger than the now dominant species on planet earth........... but all in all could be a great film. Horrifyingly it really could happen!

  Nuclear Ants

  Then guess what? The Ants in one giant nest formally New York get pissed with the Ants living in another nest formally London so invent 'Super Anti Ant Nuclear Weapons' Finally we arrive again at the Primordial Soup stage and the whole process starts over. In a million years time the new dominant species whatever that is will be poking about in an Archaeological dig and find giant Ant skeletons, Human skeletons and other signs of intelligent life? along with the evidence of a catastrophic nuclear event created by the same, that must have destroyed the planet in ancient times... tisk tisk what were they thinking?

  A Deterrent

  During the Cold War the theory was if we can destroy the Soviet Union and they can destroy the West, no one will dare launch. If no one dare launch them what use are they?

  “The Nuclear deterrent has kept the peace for decades they say”which is sort of true apart from the wars in Vietnam, Afghanistan, Iraq, Syria, Kosovo..........and numerous other hideous conflicts.

  What they mean is we haven't had a nuclear world war and turned Mother Earth into an Arctic desert..........In the UK we don't go in for nuclear weapons big time, just enough to wipe out an area the size of Europe which saves a few quid (pounds) They travel around the globe in nuclear submarines- which is a brilliant idea why not have a nuclear reactor right next door to the nuclear missiles what could possibly go wrong!

  The Nuclear Winter

  Best described as summer in Iceland but more continuous and global. After the Nuclear Holocaust not surprisingly this will throw up a lot of dust and debris......... consisting of; well lots of bits of things, like the buildings we used to live in, the bodies we used to live in and various other items that used to be constituents of Mother Earth ...........this will block out the sunlight. “So what it will be dark a lot. “I can deal with that.” Yes dark, freezing cold. and most plant life will stop growing I know today's diet does not consist of a lot of plant life i.e. vegetables/ salad. but your hamburger is made of beef in theory and cattle seem to eat a lot of plants............ any way let's quit the semantics. “ What about fish.. we could eat fish?” All right we could I suppose but I am basing my story on common current thinking. There's always one isn't there who has to be cocky and ruin things.

  Happy days To give this story a happy end I should mention there will of course be survivors in far

  flung parts of the world. They may well get through the Nuclear Winter depending on how long it lasts, nobody really knows. So now you can rest easy. Unless of course you live in the USA, Europe, most of the former Soviet block China I should imagine, Australia, New Zealand, India perhaps. Have no doubt the Korean fellow will not want to wish to miss his moment of glory so the Far East could be a bit messy.

  The End......!

 

  Visit the Authors Website

  Paul Griffin (UK) not to be confused with US writer of the same name.....

  Check out my other book Funny- $1.99

  CRAZY -FUNNY- BIZARRE- REAL LIFE STORIES

 

  From Funny.....................

  'Pete the guitarist becomes Admiral Nelson' Pete's drug habit finally takes its toll......

  'The day I met the real Darth Vader in my local high street'.........? True!

  'Reverend Ben & His Waifs and Strays'- Anton the Russian refugee' (extract)

  “The carpet in the living room had a very large burn hole in it and pieces of a burnt black shirt in evidence but no sign of Anton. It appeared our Russian friend had set his shirt on fire, in a dramatic suicide attempt or a re-enactment of his war time experiences who knows, but apparently thought better of it when it got too hot.

  Setting ones self on fire usually does cause a distressing rise in temperature!

  A fact anyone attempting suicide considering this approach should be aware of.

  There were other signs of his rampage, moved furniture, broken pictures and a trail of burnt black shirt pieces but no sign of Anton himself..........”

  The Old School Days “Mr Pierce could have been the first teacher in history to wipe out his entire class with Mustard Gas”

  The Zipper Head Kid (extract) “The boy had quite a fine scar just below the hair line at the front, most bizarrely it went right around his head, visible through his hair at the sides and around the back of his head it was completely symmetrical. It actually looked like very fine stitching as if the top of his head had been removed like a boiled egg and sown back on. I observed it quite a few times and found it fascinating. It could have been a birth mark, unlikely, it could have been........

  The Paint Factory (extract) “The Manager was a very thin nervous man, I sometimes wondered why? I think on reflection he knew in his heart that one day his factory would make the Hindenburg disaster look like a sparkler. You will not be surprised to hear that a few years later the whole place did burn to the ground, there were explosions all night long and the whole area was completely devastated apparently. The story even made the TV News.”

  Buy Funny to read these and lots of other crazy stories- also features Persona Colonel Rage

  https://vision-music.biz/funny.htm